A hard topic to handle

Boy did I get some news today that I sure as hell didn't like hearing!  I told a couple people about this but in order to get some much needed therapy, I wanted to blog about it.  These are my feelings and I hope you respect them.  I know there will be some that disagree with what I believe and that is fine, please respect me and I will you. 

Some of you that know me knows that I cant have children.  I have had several miscarriages and I don't want to go through that ever again so I don't even want to go through all the mess of even trying.  I have dealt with this since I was in my early 20s.  I am ok with it, even though I still dream of being a mother, I know I am unable.

Because of this, I am very sensitive when it comes to parents not taking care of their children, or not wanting to be apart of their children's lives.  There is a man that I work with that has five children and he has nothing to do with any of them.  For this reason I cant stand to be around him most days.  There are other reasons besides that but when I found this out about him it mad me very angry!  In fact just the other day we were talking about children at work and he couldn't even remember his oldest son's name.  This guy is 44 and his son is 26 now.  He had a problem remembering all his children's ages too, he has two sons by two different women that are a month apart in age.  Yes, I have a very hard time dealing with that because I would do anything to have my own children!

This all leads up to the news I found out today.  I have told a friend of mine, we will call her Ann, that I am very sensitive when it comes to children.  I have never understood why men and women have children if they don't want to take care of them.  I also just said to her that there is a way to prevent having a child, that is birth control, either a condom or the pill or something, or here's an idea, just don't have sex!  Yes when I was saying this earlier in the week I did voice my opinion very loudly and strongly.  That is how I feel and I will not be sorry for this.

Today, Ann left work for a few hours but no one knew why.  She came back after lunch and she was crying.  Now you can all call me a bitch but I don't deal well with crying at work, nor do I like to stop working because of a personal issue.  If we don't get our work done we get in trouble and I did not want that.  I figured at break I would find out what was going on if she wanted me to know.  Now I'm not all heartless, I did feel sorry for her at first but I had to get things done. 

About 45 minutes later and countless times of people stopping to ask what was wrong I was told by another friend at work what was going on.  She told me not to say anything because she didn't want her mom to find out and her mom works at my job too.  Ann found out she was pregnant but she didn't know who the father was nor was she planning to keep it.  She wanted an abortion.  Now for someone like me, this is the worst kind of news a person ever wants to hear!  First, I have been like a mother to everyone I work with by telling them that if they go out that weekend and they hook up with anyone to make sure they wrap it!  That is all I keep saying is to wrap it because the two single girls don't want to have any more babies.  Ann has a daughter that is a little over a year old, the father isn't in the picture there at all!

The part about not knowing who the father is isn't the part that bothers me.  She is raising her daughter the best she can and doing a damn good job at it.  The part that does bother me is she wants to have an abortion.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wanted to scream, throw something, yell at her, and cry and so much more.  But I kept it in and I walked away.  All she said was that she needed everyone's support.  But I cant support her, nor will I.

This is my belief on abortion.  Yes I think its the woman's right to choose what she does with her body, to a point.  I believe if a woman is raped and she gets pregnant, then yes she has the right to have one.  But that is the only time I believe one should be done.  I know there are many women that have had one and their reasons are theirs but I don't agree with it.  There are many women including myself that would do anything in this world to have a child but we cant.  Here is a woman, a friend and she wants to have an abortion because she doesn't want to let her mother down. 

This is something I cant be supportive of.  I asked for energy from a couple good friends today and thankfully Ann left early.  I don't know how I would have been able to work around her for the rest of the day to be honest.  All the women I work with have said that they will support her no matter what, me I cant do that.  I haven't voiced my opinion at work but I am pretty sure they all know how I feel because they have all avoided the subject, which is probably a good thing.

So tomorrow will be the test and even into next week.  From what I am guessing she has one scheduled for next week from all the talk I have heard.  I don't know how I will be able to look at her or even work with her. Goddess help me!

I have been faced with some of the most difficult challenges since starting my year and a day.  I thought since I am past my 6 month mark that things will get easier for me but boy was I wrong!