A hard topic to handle

Boy did I get some news today that I sure as hell didn't like hearing!  I told a couple people about this but in order to get some much needed therapy, I wanted to blog about it.  These are my feelings and I hope you respect them.  I know there will be some that disagree with what I believe and that is fine, please respect me and I will you. 

Some of you that know me knows that I cant have children.  I have had several miscarriages and I don't want to go through that ever again so I don't even want to go through all the mess of even trying.  I have dealt with this since I was in my early 20s.  I am ok with it, even though I still dream of being a mother, I know I am unable.

Because of this, I am very sensitive when it comes to parents not taking care of their children, or not wanting to be apart of their children's lives.  There is a man that I work with that has five children and he has nothing to do with any of them.  For this reason I cant stand to be around him most days.  There are other reasons besides that but when I found this out about him it mad me very angry!  In fact just the other day we were talking about children at work and he couldn't even remember his oldest son's name.  This guy is 44 and his son is 26 now.  He had a problem remembering all his children's ages too, he has two sons by two different women that are a month apart in age.  Yes, I have a very hard time dealing with that because I would do anything to have my own children!

This all leads up to the news I found out today.  I have told a friend of mine, we will call her Ann, that I am very sensitive when it comes to children.  I have never understood why men and women have children if they don't want to take care of them.  I also just said to her that there is a way to prevent having a child, that is birth control, either a condom or the pill or something, or here's an idea, just don't have sex!  Yes when I was saying this earlier in the week I did voice my opinion very loudly and strongly.  That is how I feel and I will not be sorry for this.

Today, Ann left work for a few hours but no one knew why.  She came back after lunch and she was crying.  Now you can all call me a bitch but I don't deal well with crying at work, nor do I like to stop working because of a personal issue.  If we don't get our work done we get in trouble and I did not want that.  I figured at break I would find out what was going on if she wanted me to know.  Now I'm not all heartless, I did feel sorry for her at first but I had to get things done. 

About 45 minutes later and countless times of people stopping to ask what was wrong I was told by another friend at work what was going on.  She told me not to say anything because she didn't want her mom to find out and her mom works at my job too.  Ann found out she was pregnant but she didn't know who the father was nor was she planning to keep it.  She wanted an abortion.  Now for someone like me, this is the worst kind of news a person ever wants to hear!  First, I have been like a mother to everyone I work with by telling them that if they go out that weekend and they hook up with anyone to make sure they wrap it!  That is all I keep saying is to wrap it because the two single girls don't want to have any more babies.  Ann has a daughter that is a little over a year old, the father isn't in the picture there at all!

The part about not knowing who the father is isn't the part that bothers me.  She is raising her daughter the best she can and doing a damn good job at it.  The part that does bother me is she wants to have an abortion.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wanted to scream, throw something, yell at her, and cry and so much more.  But I kept it in and I walked away.  All she said was that she needed everyone's support.  But I cant support her, nor will I.

This is my belief on abortion.  Yes I think its the woman's right to choose what she does with her body, to a point.  I believe if a woman is raped and she gets pregnant, then yes she has the right to have one.  But that is the only time I believe one should be done.  I know there are many women that have had one and their reasons are theirs but I don't agree with it.  There are many women including myself that would do anything in this world to have a child but we cant.  Here is a woman, a friend and she wants to have an abortion because she doesn't want to let her mother down. 

This is something I cant be supportive of.  I asked for energy from a couple good friends today and thankfully Ann left early.  I don't know how I would have been able to work around her for the rest of the day to be honest.  All the women I work with have said that they will support her no matter what, me I cant do that.  I haven't voiced my opinion at work but I am pretty sure they all know how I feel because they have all avoided the subject, which is probably a good thing.

So tomorrow will be the test and even into next week.  From what I am guessing she has one scheduled for next week from all the talk I have heard.  I don't know how I will be able to look at her or even work with her. Goddess help me!

I have been faced with some of the most difficult challenges since starting my year and a day.  I thought since I am past my 6 month mark that things will get easier for me but boy was I wrong! 

A cosmic bitchslap to the face!

When it rains, it pours!  This saying has been in my head all week!  I am writing this blog, not for you all to feel sorry for me but I am writing it for me.  There are times that you just need to get things off your chest and this is one of those times!

There is no easy way to say it so I will just come out and say it, my car has to junked and I have to get a new one.  Now for some people that would be fine but for me its not something that I can really afford right now.  I guess I should start at the beginning of what happened to the car so you will understand whats going on.

I bought a 97 Mazda years ago at a dealership out of town because of my then boyfriend.  He has just bought his Blazer there and wanted me to get a car there.  So we went and looked and I found a car that I knew nothing about but it was blue in color and was about the cheapest on the lot.  Yes that is why I bought my car.  No other reason.  Since that time I have had nothing but problems with it.

I admit, it is very pretty to look at and when I drive it at least I don't think its a junker, even though that is what it has felt like.  I cant even tell you the amount of money I have put in.

(A little not here : I had much more written but I just lost it, maybe that was a sign to keep this short!  lol)

Anyhow I took the car in Tuesday when it started out as just a belt needed fixed.  Now its the belt, alternator, motor and transmission.  Yes all of that, none of which I know anything about.

What I do know it I have been told by a couple people that it needs to be junked.  I can maybe get $200 for it which it what I just spent on tires for it. 

Now another down fall for me, I cant get a loan for several different reasons, none I will go into unless I personally know you.  But lets just say an ex-boyfriend is to blame (not the same guy I was with when I bought my car). 

I do think we have a plan, thanks to my parents.  But the stress that was off my shoulders before is now back on them.  I need to budget things so I wont have to get a second job.  I had another job when I first bought the car and that helped a lot with payments.  I haven't had to deal with payments in years and the thought of payments again is a very scary thing for me.

So since I have to pay for weebly, a site which I like much better then blogger, it will have to wait a awhile longer.  I am also thinking about cutting back on a few things that I have monthly payments for.  One of those is Weight Watchers.  Even though I love going to the meetings and I have learned so much, it isn't something I need to do.  Even though its not that much a month, that money can be going for a car instead, which is something I need more then anything else! 

Small changes will get me what I need.  My sister told me today that "You will always get what you need, not necessarily what you want".  She is right.  I might not be able to get some of the things I want for my house and yard but I need a car and that is what I will get. 

So any of you that read this blog, if you could send me energy to find the strength that I need right now, it would mean the world to me!  I don't ask or want anything else but for you all to be there for me.  If the next couple blogs are me ranting a little, please bare with me, this will pass.  Things will be better again .

Thanks for reading and many blessings to you all!!!!

Blogger has changed!

Its been awhile since I posted a blog and even been to my blog. I wanted to write something just to let everyone know that I am still alive. I got to the site and everything has changed on me! So instead of blogging tonight, I am just going to check out the site and see whats going on. Oh and for those that dont know, I will be moving to weebly soon. I was going to keep this site up but if I check things out and I dont like the changes I will be moving everything to weebly.

What a busy week!

It seems like forever since I posted a blog, but I have very good reasons! I have been so busy outside in the yard and garden that I really don't know which way is up!

Today is Easter and at this time I normally only have potatoes planted if I even plant potatoes. But this year I have onions, garlic, peas, and kidney beans planted. Oh and strawberries!! Yum

All of that is normally done the first part of May, not in by the end of March. The weather has been so strange this year that I have been in shorts and sometimes even tank tops. So since I had to hurry up and get those things done I have been spending more time outside and less time inside and on the computer.

That will all change this week. This week the weather is turning cold, we even have a freeze warning out for a couple of those days. I don't think that it will hurt anything coming up but you never know.

So this week I will be finishing up projects inside that I have started but haven't finished because of not having enough time in the day. One of those is I am working on my weebly site. What that means is I will be moving this blog over there. I haven't decided if I will be moving these blogs or keeping them here. So far I have spent at least 3 hours working on everything.

I am also going to figure out why I cant post videos. My camera works well and when I upload them to the computer they are fine. When I post them to Youtube they have a glitch. So I will be doing some research on that. I might just buy a different webcam, I prefer using the webcam anyhow.

There are so many other things that I want to do this next week but its not something I really want to talk about here, its really boring. You know cleaning and laundry and that wonderful stuff.

I guess I really don't have much to talk about like I thought. Just letting you know that I am still around and this next week I will be blogging much more! Hope you all have a great week!!!!

The weekend

Before I get into what I did this weekend I first want to tell you about a guest blog I did. My dear friend and sister Kristen has been crazy busy with work and hasn't had much time to write a blog. She asked me if I would write one and I did. If you want to read that I will leave a link at the end of this blog.

Now on to my crazy busy weekend.

From now until the end of harvest season I will be very busy! Normally at this time of year I am just starting to think about starting seeds and wishing the snow would hurry and melt so I can get in the garden. This year the flowers are already blooming and I need to hurry up and get all my flower beds and garden cleaned out!.

Yesterday I raked leaves along side the house and in the fern bed. I also pulled all plants and raked out the garden on the side of the house. A person wouldn't think it was a lot to do and hard work but it was! I did it all by myself too!! A major plus because normally my brother helps.

Today my brother took the mower out and mowed the large garden and the side garden some where there were still some weeks. He also tilled the area in the garden where I am planting potatoes. I cleaned out part of the carport, got the tubs ready to plant strawberries, and cleaned out the flower bed where the lilies are.

It doesn't sound like much when I write it down but trust me it was a lot of work! My back and arms and even my legs feel it now!

My work isn't done either. This week I will be planting seeds, cleaning out the rest of the beds, cleaning the rest of the carport, and maybe plant some onions if the side garden gets tilled. Oh and I will be planting those strawberries finally!!! That is if it doesn't rain.

Also on a little side note, my first tulip of the year opened up! We normally don't see them open up for at least another month! My neighbor's birthday was today and she told me she never had a birthday where it wasn't cold and had snow on the ground! Guess its a crazy year.

I will be ready for a good nights sleep tonight that's for sure. Oh and the tulip that is pictured along with this is from my yard. I cant wait for the rest to bloom!!!

http://www.starkris137.com/3/post/2012/03/my-story-of-kris.html

Work Stories

I always come home from work and have stories to share about what happened that day. Most are normal every day stuff but then there are those days that you just have to shake your head at. Those are the stories I want to share here.

I had talked to a couple of my sisters last week and told them that I had many stories I wanted to share and they said I should go for it! I really don't want this blog to be all about work so once a week I will share with you some of the crazy things that happen at my job.

I would like to say that those stories will be shared on a certain day of the week but if you know anything about me I just cant stick to that. I never know what I am going to be doing or if I will be home. I do hope to post them in the middle of the week though.

I will start with this blog a little background on where I work and such. Now I cant list the company I work for, that is breaking the rules. In fact today we had an hour long meeting about "what happens at work, stays at work". I can understand why to a point but really not being able to talk about the name of business you work at is taking it a little far. In fact now if you have a Facebook page the company must know about it so they can see if we are talking about them or not.

This blog I wont be talking about the company, I do like working for them, but I will be talking about the people. I have worked at the company I work at for 13 years. I can say its a factory and there are many many people that work there. I cant even tell you how many people work there because its against the rules, plus we don't really know ourselves how many are there.

For a person that has worked at a factory for 13 years I have seen many people come and go. I have seen many types of people work there too. Anymore I can just look at a person and tell how long they will last and about 85% of the time I am right. Its almost odd how I can tell.

I wont give you any stories today but be on a look out for the story of the week. I hope I can make you laugh or at least a smile to your face. And maybe, just maybe the place you work at wont be so bad after hearing my stories.

My Ostara

Today was Ostara, the first day of Spring! I had so many wonderful things planned to do outside but the day did not turn out like I thought. I wasnt even able to do a ritual because of the events of the day and night. This blog is going to be about my day.

I had planned to just work a half day today and had vacation planned for 2 months. That is the only thing that went how it should have. When I got off work I went to my car and saw my front passenger tire was low. I have a air pump that plugs in the cigerette lighter so I was able to air it up. Only problem was I kept hearing air coming out of the tire. I dont live that far away from work so I was able to make it home only having to stop once to air it up again. Now I dont know the exact names of the tire but the tube that sticks out was torn so the tire needs to be replaced. Ugggg

A good thing that happened was when I went out to get the mail i had recieved a package, my cactus rainstick/shaker was here! I love it! I want to buy a small drum next but I couldnt pass this up. I will make a video about this later.

Now because it was raining and my sinuses have been acting up I took a nap. It was very peaceful, another good thing about today. When I woke up my bf called and he was in town so we hung out and had a couple good hours. What I thought was turning into a good night turned into a bad one. We started fighting and I started crying, not just a little but a lot of tears were shed! I didnt start it this time either! lol Ok that is a little funny because I start stupid little fights at time but this time he started it and it was a major one. At one point I honestly thought he wanted to break up with me. He kept telling me that I need to be happy (which I am) and then he brought up the subject we never talk about anymore, GOD. Oh yes and he even quoted a story from the Bible. He wasnt preaching to me but using a story in it as an example. He had to go back to work and I left without telling him goodbye or a hug and kiss, I just left.

He texted me and at first I didnt know if I wanted to talk to him. I turned the radio on and the first song I heard was a song that fits me and him perfectly. A Thousand Years by Julie Greenwald. Yes I know its from the Twilight movies but the song is us. Instant tears again. So we texted each other for the next hour. i think things are ok but who knows.

I wish I had time for a proper ritual but my mind is not in the right place so I will be putting it off for another night, maybe this weekend. I know there is a reason for the day being so shitty but I dont know the reason yet. None of the sabbots since I started my year and a day have gone right.

Anyhow tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to it. What did you do for Ostara? I would love to hear your stories!!! I hope your day was much better then mine!!!

Interesting people

I just wanted to share something that has happened at work in the past few days. Last Thursday the people I work with convinced a guy that works out there that I am a "witch". Now I have to laugh at that because I am a witch and it doesn't bother me. But what I thought was funny was the reasons behind why I was a witch.

First I have black hair, I color it but still its black so I must be a witch! Everyone knows that all witches have black hair. Oh and on a side note, a gal I work with that has black hair just colored it brown over the weekend, she never wanted to color her hair before this. I also found that funny.

Second, I make my own soap. Yep I make my own soap so I must be a witch! He asked why I made my own when I can just go to the store and buy it. Yeah, this guy isn't very bright. Also I gave his girlfriend bath salts for Christmas, another sign I am a witch.

Third, I carry different oils in my purse, peppermint and eucalyptus. A person never knows when they might need those oils and those are what I use the most of, but that makes me a witch!

Fourth, I know things about wicca and witches. I also have learned a little about voodoo so because I like to learn and read books I am a witch! Oh no!!

We really had him going that day. It really wasn't a big deal but the fact that he thought I was a witch because of these things really made me question who he was.

Today he told us that he didn't think I was a witch after all that he thinks I am a hippie because of the same reasons I listed above. What??? Why would he think that? Aren't there plenty of people in the world that make their own soap and bath salts, that know about wicca but aren't wiccan, carry oils around with them to treat colds, oh and have long black hair??? I think there are many of us in the world.

So to play along and show him just how stupid this whole thing is I am going to dress as much as a hippie as I can. I can't wear certain things to work so I will be wearing jeans that have a wider leg, a pheasant shirt, I love the shirt by the way, and I am going to wear my hair down with a couple braids in it. I can't wear jewelry or I would wear something from the 60s and 70s. I can't wait to see what he says tomorrow.

Stay tuned because I will post more about this either on here or in a video. If I do post a video I will post the link on my blog too. Hurry up Tuesday and get here!

Oh and if you have any comments about this I would love to hear what you think, even if you got a chuckle out of this.

Peace and blessings

Back in the swing of thing

Today was the first day that I jumped off the roller coaster I was on and got back on solid ground, so how did it go?

First, last night I got a surprise from the bf and he arrived a day earlier then we had thought so I got to wake up in his arms. I love being able to wake up in his arms, my day always goes so much better. Also I woke up earlier then I normally have been lately so I wasn't rushed getting ready for work. This was the first time in weeks that I woke up early and it felt great!

Work went fairly well for all the craziness of the day. My phone and Internet was down for a few hours so I wasn't about to catch up on the normal things I do on breaks but that was ok too.

I didn't go to weigh in after work for a couple different reasons, one I knew that I had gained after not tracking a single thing last week and two, I didn't want to go. I know that is crazy, that's one of normal things but I really wanted to spend some time with the bf before he had to go to work. We ended up not seeing each other, he was on the phone with a friend he hadn't talked to for some time so I just drove around town and soaking up the sun. It was nice to be able to do that.

I can tell that the full moon is approaching because my sleep patterns are changing again. As soon as the sun went down I feel asleep. That was around 6:30 and I woke up at 9pm! The only time I take long naps like that, if you can even call it a nap is around the full moon. I went outside around 9:30 and sure enough there she was high in the sky and shinning brightly!

So now here it is a little after 10 and I am blogging. Yep overall I can say I am back on track to doing what I had done before all the stress set in. Albert is on my lap as I type doing his thing, Teddy is beside me on the bed finally sleeping after being all crazy a few minutes ago, all is right with me finally.

The one thing I need to do that I haven't so far is vlog! My web cam just wont upload. I'm not sure if its my Internet connection or if its something else so tomorrow I will make a video with my flip and see it that helps. I have bought a new camera online from Best Buy that should arrived in the next week so I am excited for that. I will be buying a sheet to cover my wall in the bedroom and I will be buying a tri-pod so I can vlog easier, who really wants to hold a camera out the whole time.

Overall I can say things are back on track for me and I am a very happy girl!

I want off this rollercoaster!!!

Have you ever felt like you were on a roller coaster and you couldn't get off? Well that's how I have felt for the past 2 months. A few weeks ago I thought I was finally able to breathe again and then I went on the ride again. Let me tell you it's time I got off the ride.

Tomorrow I am getting off the roller coaster and nothing is going to stop me! I want my normal life back. The stress in my life has finally ended and things are starting to get back to normal with my dad's health. I have a list of things going on in my head that I need to do around my house and on my vlogging channel, more blogs and also my year and a day.

Tomorrow I am getting back to normal!

I WANT TO MAKE VIDEOS!!!!

For three days now I have been trying to upload a video aqnd it wont upload to YT. This is driving me nuts!!! I think I have tried about 6 or 7 times now just tonight and who knows how many times yesterday and Saturday. Anyhow it just wont upload so I guess I wont be posting the video. I will try to make one tomorrow on my Flip camera and hopefully that one will upload.

I am looking for new cameras and a couple good friends gave me suggestions today. If anyone would like to give me ideas I would love to hear them. I will be making videos again soon, I am really missing it now. In the meantime I guess I will be bloggin more of my ideas.

Spring Fever Already???

Has spring fever already hit??? I do believe it has!!! I am so ready to start planting my garden and it seems a few others are ready too around the area.

I normally don't go home for lunch anymore but I had forgot something I needed so I went home today. On the way there i went by a yard that has a huge garden and they had already tilled the soil! In February!! In Iowa!! What? Did I miss something???

I know in southern states its normal to start a garden this time of year but in Iowa we don't start anything outside until maybe late March. Normally we have snow right now but this winter has been very mild, maybe 3 or 4 snow storms top and only an average of 3 inches each time. That isn't what a normal Iowa winter is all about.

This past weekend I bought a gardening magazine for my dad to read in the hospital and I was getting ideas of what to plant and when to plant it. My brother thought I should get out in the garden and start cleaning it already. I had other ideas and so did my dad, wait for another month before we start anything. My dad has been around almost 80 years and has been farming or at least living on a farm most of his life. I think I am going to listen to him.

Now when I saw the garden that was tilled I had to wonder if they knew something I didn't. Is winter over already? Are we done having cold days and snow?? I think its a little early to tell but I wont complain if spring does show up a little early. Its not really good for the spring flowers or budding trees but I must say I like the warmer temps.

In the meantime until another month goes by I will just dream of being out in the garden, preparing the soil for another year of vegetable growing. There are a few new veggies that I will be trying this year and I cant wait!!!

Sleep patterns and the Full Moon

Its that time of month again, no not the dreaded female time, the Full Moon time! Last night was the Full Moon and she was hidden behind the clouds here where I live. When I left my house this morning a little after 6am I was finally able to see her and she was beautiful! Tonight I am also able to see her and once again I am in awe.

There are so many wonderful things that happen when there is a full moon. I can feel the energy rise up and wrap its arms around me, I feel love stronger, I feel more emotions, the world seems to come alive, so many wonderful things. One thing that the full moon brings that I don't like is the lack of sleep. I just can't sleep for a few days leading up to it, on the day of, and a few days after a full moon.

During the summer when I have my windows open and I feel a cool breeze on my face is when its at the worst. There is something about the full moon that draws me to it. It seems like I need to be awake and soak up the rays from the moon. I have always been drawn more to the moon then to the sun, most people need sunlight, I need moonlight.

Night time is when we all normally sleep, but right now I can't. I wish I could but something keeps me up on nights like this. I have tired lavender oil, teas, soothing music, even sleeping pills, nothing seems to help at this time of month. I can sleep during the day just fine, and I can even sleep in the early evening hours leading up to the moon rise, but as soon as the moon comes up, I am awake.

I was talking to my sister Jenn today on Twitter and she is also experiencing the same thing. Something that I have decided to do and I believe she will be doing it to is keeping a sleep journal. I will be keeping a journal on my sleep patterns for the next several months to find out if it truly is the moon that is causing me to lose sleep. I will also be writing down the weather, foods I eat, any stresses I might have, any herbal treatments I might try and anything else that I might think of.

I would love to hear if anyone else has the same problem I have in the lack of sleep. Any tips would be great too! I will be updating on here from time to time. Maybe in a few months I wont be having the same problems I am now, or at least maybe I can control them and get a couple more hours of sleep.

First real blog of the New Year

There are so many things I want to write about but where to really start? I could rant about so many things work, so-called friends, money issues, time management, the list could go on and on! So what shall my first blog be about in the new year????

Weight issues!

I have been going to Weight Watchers for a year now and I have only lost 10lbs. Now there were times that number was much more but as of today I have only lost 10lbs. Today was that last meeting that I was planning to go to until WW gave me a reason to stick with it, the cost was going to be cheaper! Instead of about $10 a week the price is going down to about $5 a week. The company I work for is paying for over half of it again and WW has dropped the cost of it. That is great news for us!

In the past year I haven't lost much and I have paid good money for what I have been learning, so why do I think this time around will be any different? Why keep paying money for something that may or may not work? Why keep going to the meetings if I have all the books and know how to keep track of what I eat? Why? Accountability that's why!

When I have someone to go to the gym with I go. When I have someone to diet with, I diet. So with WW I have to weigh in each week with my friends and I don't want to be the one to say I gained when I should have lost!

The past year I have had lots of stress, much more then what anyone knows about. I tend to keep a lot of my feelings inside and that results in stress. I am a stress eater so when I was stressed, I ate more. This year starting today will be different. I am coming out of what was the worst month ever for me in the past 3 or 4 years. This month is going to be different, no stress in sight and if there is I will deal with it head on instead of letting it get the best of me.

Weight Watchers is only on part of making myself healthier, this blog is a step to becoming better too. This will be a way to let my feelings out, no matter what they may be. Tomorrow is a fresh start and I am looking forward to it!

Wanting to Blog again

Its been a month since I have posted a Vlog. Its been even longer since I posted a Blog. I think its time that I start getting back to the life that I once had. I have been wanting to Blog more and more lately and it seems like now might be the time to get started again. I also think its time to make this Blog public. So for those of you that are on my Beccawitch Facebook page, you will get the first look at this. I wont be posting anything but this tonight since its so late at night but have a look at my other blogs and tell me what you think. This blog will have some rants from time to time, I have so many that I want to share with you all just to have some release. But for now I will go and say good night. Much love to you all that read this!!!